Boy and girl get married. Years go by, and old boy and girl almost never touch one another again.

While that is not a blanket rule, it is a pattern that has been established for the majority of couples. Between dating and marriage, something happens that quenches the passion between the two. but then, what’s romance and sex without passion?

We won’t claim to know it all, as several factors can be responsible for this, so we will let you, our readers, do the talking. What happens to passion after marriage?

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But just anything? How about your sexual desires and fantasies? Are they easy to communicate, or are you just scared or shy to let out those details?

Research has shown that only few couples feel liberated enough to communicate their sexual needs to one another. Yet, open and honest communication is essential to a great sex life. Your spouse is no mind reader. No-one is.

The fear of embarrassments, rejection, can keep us from opening up. But remember, being able to communicate in a safe and loving environment can lead us closer together. Do you too create and nuture such an environment for your partner? Are there ways that you can help nuture such an environment for both of you?

Learn to discuss sex with you spouse – your needs and desires. Let your spouse relate theirs too. Both parties should be honest and open, positive and encouraging.

Non-verbal communication should be added to the mix too. You can communicate with your body. A sexy moan or hip thrust can be a good sign of encouragement. Or just take your spouse’s hand and place it were you would like it to be.

Whatever you do, please communicate.

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As a bride, I am sure that you want to make sure that your wedding gown is perfect, your make-up is well done. You are probably running around to make sure every detail of the wedding ceremony is attended to.

As the groom, you want to also make sure you look smashing that day, with the right suit to fit. And like your bride, you also want all details taken care of.

All of this is good, but can we pause a while? Take a deep breath.

After your perfect wedding ceremony comes your life together as a couple. What plans are you making to get things right for a happy union?

Here’s a checklist

1. How well do you understand the sexuality of your gender?
2. How well do you know you, your body, your sexuality?
3. How well do you know the sexuality of your spouse’s gender?
4. How important do you consider sex to be to your union?
5. How important does your spouse consider sex to be to your union?
6. Are you in sync on the previous two questions?
7. How ready are you to fulfill your conjugal duty?

If you truly want a happy union, you will not ignore this checklist for the world.

While marriage is not all about sex, sex is an important part of that institution, and you may need to pay more attention to that now.

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Why do they bother with marriage? And why do they think that such marriages will be healthy?

Intimacy is fed and grows as we spend more time with an individual. Why marry, then chase after everything else with little time for our spouses and then wonder why there is little warmth, affection and intimacy in our marriages?

Think about it.

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When was the last time that you and your spouse took a stroll, holding hands?

When was the last time the two of you really played? Getting physical is a sure way to.. well, get physical.

I hear you say that you are busy because of work and/or business. Well, then, you are too busy! You will reap the fruits of being that busy. You cannot eat your cake and have it.

People create time for the things that are important to them. If your marriage is important to you, you will create time to be with your spouse.

Sex late at night?
While we are on the subject of investing time in our marriage, I will touch the idea of always putting off sex till late at night. Truth be told, you do not value your marriage if that is your consistent practice.

How do we expect to give our best, brightest hours to our jobs and everyone else, then hand over the dregs to our spouses, and expect all to stay well?

Why devote the period when you are both most tired for sex? That puts marital intimacy at the bottom of your list of priorities. Get creative. Give it greater priority. How about waking up early once a week to have a go for one or two hours before you dash off for work? How about a weekend off now and then?

Slow down
And please, there is nothing that kills off your spouse’s sexual drive than telling him/her, “We’ve got just 30 minutes”.

Good sex – like good food – takes time to cook. True, you cannot give that much time every day. But at least once a week, create quantity time in order to have an amazing sexual experience with your spouse.

Whatever you do, invest in your marriage.

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A man abuses his wife physically. She keeps silence.

A marriage is heading for the rocks. The partners keep silence.

Usually, the excuses given have to do with shame. And guilt. The victim or both parties in the relationship simply cover their heads in shame, driven by feelings of guilt.

I have news for you – the average marriage has its issues, and in many cases the issues are the same that you are facing in yours. Or bigger. There is very little to be ashamed of if you need help, especially when you can get that help in a discrete way.

What do you prefer – get the help that you need and put your marriage back in shape (or at least give it a better chance of surviving), or holding back in shame until it hit the very rocks you dread?

It is your call. But if you ask me, I’ll say, “Don’t let feelings of shame and guilt hold you captive in that culture of silence“.

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I have received complaints from more than one married woman to the effect that they do not enjoy sex. The odds are that it is usually because the husband is a bad chef in bed. Or he is ignorant of certain things. It is sad that there are still men out there who think that being a man in bed is about pulling their weight and satisfying themselves.

But that doesn’t make a man. He gets satisified and she gets to despise the experience beecause it left her empty.

The other possibility is that she might have been fed wrong information about sex before marriage. There was the real life story of a newly-wed bride who wouldn’t let her husband sleep with her because “sex is dirty”. True life story. Here in Nigeria.

Another possibility is that the lady may have been sexually abused in the past and she freezes at the idea of copulation.

Whatever is behind it, she concludes that she doesn’t like sex. Her husband notices that she’s not so into it, and over time begins to react to that. His desire for her may wane, and if not curbed soon, an extramarital affair sneaks into the picture.

If you are in that boat, things don’t have to go that way. Whether you are the husband or the wife and for some reason you think that you don’t “like” sex, that can change. With some extra information and some help from your spouse, the situation can change.

You and your spouse can learn to harmonise and make the kind of music that will sweeten your hearts and bring a fresh spark into your marriage.

Why not plan to attend this month’s The Marriage Bed seminar, book a counselling session, or perhaaps pick up some of the available publications to help you on your way?

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I have spoken to individuals about the issues they are having with their spouses and some of them have told me that they were praying and trusting God for a resolution. While I am a man of prayer myself, I tell them that praying about it alone is futile.

That is like praying that you will be able to provide for your children but you don’t go find work to do. You would consider that irresponsible; right? It is just as irresponsible to be praying about your spouse’s complaints that you aren’t satisfying him/her in bed without getting some education on the subject.

Sex was God’s idea. He is certainly interested in meeting your spouse’s sexual needs. You better make sure that it is YOU that God uses to meet that need! Think about that for a while.

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One woman said to me, “What is it about men and sex? It is sex all the time. What is all the fuss about it?” She said this with a frown on her face. That was not the first time that she had spoken with me on the subject.

She had told me that she didn’t like sex, though her husband couldn’t get enough of it. I responded to her that I wondered why she bothered getting married.

In as much as some people may want to downplay sex in marriage, the truth is that it is the most important item in the marital union. Really? I hear you say. Here’s a question that I ask people who respond that way:

“Why is it that those who downplay the role of sex in marriage and so deny their spouses this wonderful gift in some way, get devastated if and when those spouses sleep with someone else?”

That question usually nails them. Everyone knows that sex is that important in marriage. It is the deepest expression of the concept of two becoming one. Sometimes people are just not honest enough to admit it.

The follow-up question then is, Why then do spouses not invest commensurate time and resources in this all-too-important phenomenom?

If you are having challenges with sex in your marriage, it does not have to spell doom. It is a problem that a willingness to learn and change can solve. Sex is one of God’s greatest gifts to humanity. It is pleasurable and meant to be enjoyed in the context of marriage. It builds a bond between spouses that nothing else can.

Are you willing to learn, renew your mind, and put some spark back in your marriage? Welcome to my world.

PS: If you are already engaged to be married, now is the time to start renewing your mind on this subject. We spend hundreds of thousands of Naira preparing for the wedding ceremony but hardly invest anything in how to carry on after the ceremony. Sad; isn’t it?

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